My Life

This is what I felt growing up. It does not involve others.
Ever since I can remember I have always felt out of place like I'm not supposed to be here. I never felt pretty, didn't feel like anyone liked me. Was picked on a lot for not being able to afford expensive clothes, shoes, and ect. Was trying to be my own person. I never fit in but I had friends. I still felt out of place. In middle school my first kiss turned out to be a joke that my friend at the time thought was funny. Wasn't really. Her boyfriend acted like he liked me and gave me a kiss and turned out he didn't. That was so mean. I got over that. As I started getting older I started dating. Still feeling like I didn't belong. Was picked on all through middle school and high school people made fun of me. I then got to the point of losing friends because of how I was over the dumbest things like guys and things I didn't agree with. I started to feel suicidal. I didn't want to live anymore. The first I tried is when my parents were arguing. I tried to use broken glass. Although I felt like this on the inside I kept it hidden from everyone. Until I turned 16. I got upset over a guy I really liked and started cutting my arms. Being stupid cut myself infront of him and so deep it left a scar on my arm. People said it was a teenager thing and I would grow out of it. I didn't because when I got married at 18. My husband was abusive and the only way to fight the pain of what he did was to cut my arm one night. I would lock myself in the bathroom and do this and I hid it. After I had left him and moved in with my bestfriend. I went insane after they went some where one night and cut myself. Being lonely and had issues of my own. A few years later after meeting my kids father and giving him full custody. I had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide being on the phone with some one. I had been on meds off and on at this point. I was serious about trying this time that I took a whole bunch of pills and he called 911. The rest after that was a blur. I just remember waking up in a mental hospital and being put on more meds which I was on for several years. Then after my brother passed opened my eyes a bit. I can not fight the feelings I feel. I just know that if I feel any closer to trying to commit suicide or wanting to hurt myself I will go to a dr.

Things to remember bulling leads to mental issues and feeling unwanted and suicide. I've been stupid in my past and pushed people away. Done things I'm not proud of and ready to deal with what I have done.